The Art of Connection: 3 Connection Killers and the Antidote

As a “military brat” and a shy young girl who moved around quite a bit as a youngster, I was often challenged with the art of connecting with others during my school days, whether it was being invited into the girl’s clubs or getting asked out on dates.  So, I was absolutely thrilled when The English Speaker’s Union asked ME to give a talk on the subject of “connection and rapport”.  You’ve come a long way, baby!

Laura McCracken on Connection & Rapport at The English Speaker’s Union – 24th May 2012

I used to believe “connecting” was an elusive spark or chemistry that occurred magically between two people.  But now I believe that “connecting” is something we do everyday and should really be at the heart of all of our communication… be it with an audience, during a job interview, at a business pitch, or indeed on a date.

So how do we create that elusive “connection”?

We’ve all heard dozens of tactics and I am going to share ten of these tip-top-tips with you now.

1. Smile.
2. Ask questions.
3. Tell a personal story.
4. Move closer and lean forward.
5. Make eye contact.
6. Mirror your audience.
7. Tell a little joke.
8. Show some emotion.
9. Be passionate and energetic.
10. Show a little leg!

While that last tactic should be used sparingly (and is my attempt at getting a cheap laugh), these can all be effective TACTICS in building rapport and connection.  The fine art of connection, however, is much more fundamental.  It’s NOT just about the tactics – or the “outer game”.  It’s about the “inner game” – a “way of being” – that creates the conditions for us to truly connect.

Before I share with you the inner game, let me share a few mistakes that I have made along the way.

Connection Killer #1:  Dazzling people with my credentials.  And if that didn’t work… go out and get more credentials!

Do you know this person?  Have you ever met someone – perhaps at a networking event – who relied a bit too much on their credentials, knowledge, or CV?  You might have been duly impressed, but did you feel a sense of connection?

Connection Killer #2:  Believing that I needed to be perfect – afraid of sharing my mistakes, weaknesses or worse, vulnerabilities.  Taking myself too seriously!

Have you ever noticed how dreadfully boring ‘perfect’ people really are? 

Connection Killer #3:  Trying too hard to have all of the answers… and not asking enough questions!

I promise you, when someone asks for your advice (perhaps your significant other – Hint! Hint!), they don’t really want the answer.  What they crave is a ‘thought partner’ to ask the right questions, explore the options, and help them to come up with their own solutions. 

I was delighted by a humorous a quote I saw on Facebook recently, saying, “Those who think they know everything are annoying to those of us who do!”

My connection missteps – leading with credentials, needing to be perfect, and having all of the answers – were not malicious or ill-willed.  In fact, they were simply arising from insecurity and need to prove myself.  I still fall into these traps from time to time when I’m feeling out of my comfort zone, but self-awareness goes a long way toward helping me shake off these habits.

So, now that I’ve made my confessions, what is the ANTIDOTE to these “connection killers”?  What is the INNER GAME in the art of connection?

I believe a few life habits can have a tremendous impact on our ability to connect with others on a real level.

• Being Authentic
• Having a Sense of Humour
• Living Life through Curiosity

These ‘ways of being’ are not easy to achieve, but certainly worth striving for and practicing in our interactions with people, situations, and life in general.

#1 BEING AUTHENTIC

Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, “Who you are speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you are saying.”

In my opinion, being authentic is when what you think, what you say, and what you do… are in sync.  It’s about being real, being genuine and being honest.  It’s about knowing who you are and being comfortable in your own skin.

Easier said than done.  But have you ever known someone with that sort of inner confidence?  They don’t need to prove themselves.  They are simply happy being themselves.  Very compelling and attractive, right?

#2 HAVING A SENSE OF HUMOUR

Having a sense of humour is not about being funny.  It’s about being able to see the humorous side of things.  It’s about bringing playfulness and lightness to the table.  It’s knowing when NOT to take yourself too seriously.

Back in my home state of Texas, we had a Governor named Ann Richards.  During a grilling interview with Barbara Walters, Ann Richards said, “Yeah, I like to drink.  I like to smoke.  And I like to tell dirty jokes.”  I fell in love with her then and there!  Far from losing votes, she became one of the most beloved public figures in the country – known for her honesty, quick wit, and self-deprecating humour.  She was NOT perfect, but people connected with her on a human level.

#3 LIVING A LIFE OF CURIOSITY

Have you ever noticed that some of the most interesting people are the ones who have taken an interest in you?  Funny how that works!

If you really want to connect to other people, let your curiosity be your guide.  It’s about having a sincere interest in other people.  Asking genuine questions.  Listening, exploring and learning.

And as a side benefit, living life through curiosity is a lot more fun than needing to have all of the answers!

So, there you have it.  All you really need to connect and build genuine rapport is to be authentic, have a sense of humour, and live a life of curiosity.  And if all of this fails, don’t forget… show a little leg!

Global Leadership… from the Inside-Out

What does it take to be a global leader?  Some would say that one must be a chameleon – with the ability to change spots depending upon the environment and ‘mirror’ diverse cultural audiences.  Others suggest ‘cultural training’ to learn basic social and business etiquette.  We’ve all heard the classic lesson of holding business cards with both hands when presenting or receiving them in Asia.  If only it were that simple!  And sophisticated models exist, such as Hofstede’s Framework for Assessing Culture, which offers a way for leaders to consider cultural differences based upon five factors including: power distance, individualism vs. collectivism, masculinity vs. femininity, uncertainty avoidance, and time horizon.

While ‘learning’ about different cultures is indeed time well spent, a more fundamental set of leadership capabilities – developed from the inside-out – will enable a leader to effectively maneuver in an era of globalization, accelerated change, complexity, and interdependence.  Global leadership agility, as illustrated by the following model, is found at the intersection of cognitive ability, emotional intelligence, and authenticity.

Global Leadership Agility Model (1)

AUTHENTICITY

‘Agility’ implies an intentional, proactive stance, as opposed to ‘flexibility’ or ‘adaptability’, which imply a reactive or passive stance.  It follows that the most respected leaders are NOT flexible chameleon-type individuals who change their stripes to suit any given situation, but instead hold steadfast to their core values.  They develop their own authentic leadership style that is capable of rising above any storm.  As such, ‘authenticity’ is the first, and arguably, the most important quality of a successful global leader.  In existential philosophy, authenticity denotes an emotionally appropriate, significant, purposive, and responsible mode of human life.  Authentic individuals are genuine.  They know who they are and have strong core values.  Is it any surprise that an authentic leader might be better able to build trust?

This is not to say that the authentic leader should fail to listen to or compromise with those whose values or beliefs which may be different.  It simply means that compromise should come from an authentic and transparent place.  In a global context, one’s values should include a desire to foster mutual understanding and respect between cultures.  This desire alone will go a long way towards building a foundation of mutual respect and understanding, which will in turn help bridge actual or perceived gaps.

In addition to having a strong set of core values, a few ‘threshold traits’ should be present within a global leader:

• Integrity – Integrity is acting with consistency and adhering to a strict ethical code.  To have integrity, one must have a strong sense of self, which will serve as an anchor for maintaining identity and balance in another culture.
• Humility – Humility is the willingness to learn from others and not assume one has all of the answers.  The opposite of humility is arrogance – which we all know does not go over well.
• Hardiness – Hardiness is about robustness and emotional resilience.  One must be able to bounce back from stress and see change as an opportunity.  Being in good health and having a sense of humor are a couple of ways to boost one’s hardiness.

Additionally, having a strong sense of purpose, particularly one that is meaningful and long-term, will help a leader to maintain perspective and enroll others in a shared vision.  Without an overarching sense of purpose, initiatives “get lost” in a world of competing priorities and diverse individuals are less likely to band together.

COGNITIVE COMPLEXITY

Some mistakenly believe that cognitive complexity can be developed through increased knowledge and experience or that it is simply a function of IQ.  While a certain level of knowledge is necessary, it is not sufficient.  Knowledge – know who, know what, know how, know why – is a resource, not a competence.

Wikipedia describes cognitive complexity as a psychological characteristic that indicates the complexity of the frame and perceptual skill of a person.  It is related to “the number of mental structures we use, how abstract they are, and how elaborately they interact to shape our perceptions”.  For the purposes of this article, cognitive complexity is the ability to see multiple perspectives and to consider people, ideas and situations from a variety of angles.

• Situational Awareness – The ability to see situations within larger and larger contexts gives one the mental equivalent of a camera’s zoom lens.  It allows a leader to step back from a situation, view it in a broader context, and then zoom in on the issue while keeping the broader perspective in mind.
• Connective Awareness – Connective awareness allows a leader to hold different ideas in mind – and then to draw relevant comparisons and make meaningful connections between these ideas.  In a global context, at the most sophisticated level, it enables a leader to see connections and interrelationships across the global macroeconomic, political, and social spectrum.
• Reflective Judgment – Reflective judgement is the ability to reflect upon one’s decision making process and deeply question the underlying assumptions and motivations.  This is extremely difficult for most leaders, but is especially important when working across different cultures.  Global leaders need to be able to see ways in which their own judgement, and that of others, is shaped by situations, mental models, culture, and prejudices.

EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE

Emotional Intelligence, as opposed to cognitive capacity, is the ability to identify, assess, and manage one’s own emotions in tandem with those of others.  The earliest origins of emotional intelligence rest within Darwin’s theory of the importance of emotional expression for survival and adaptation.  This concept has evolved over time in various guises and was popularized by Daniel Goleman in his book, Emotional Intelligence.  In his model, he focuses on four components: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness, and relationship management.  While emotional intelligence is important in all aspects of life, it is particularly important when working with people across cultures.  We can “slice and dice” numerous traits in endless combinations, however the following four are particularly important for success as a global leader:

• Self-Awareness – Self-awareness is the product of the attention and reflection that leaders place upon their own thoughts, traits, emotions, and behaviors.  The quality of this reflection drives the level of accuracy and completeness of awareness of one’s strengths and limitations as a leader.  Self-awareness is elusive for many and for all to some degree, but can be enhanced by proactively observing one’s self and noticing the relationship between one’s own emotions, traits, and behaviors.  This process is often facilitated by coaches and mentors and aided by 360 feedback and psychometric testing.
• Empathy – Empathy is the ability to share and understand another’s emotions and feelings.  It means being able to “put oneself into another’s shoes”.   Empathy becomes increasingly difficult the as the “distance” increases between one’s own and another’s culture, status, age, gender, situation, etc.  As such, empathy requires conscious effort to listen to and comprehend another’s story.  And when working across countries, leaders should develop a basic understanding of the culture as well as the social-economic situation to increase their ability to understand and empathize.
• Curiosity – Curiosity is the desire to investigate and pursue knowledge about other cultures, lives, and business.  For leaders driven by a sense of deep curiosity, life is a dynamic adventure.  Exploration and discovery are key motivational drivers.  Being curious and inquisitive will also help to enhance one’s ability to empathize.
• Stakeholder Understanding – We often speak of ‘stakeholder management’ as the ability to create alignment and achieve buy-in from key stakeholders for a particular initiative.  However, it is only through the development of ‘stakeholder understanding’ that one can be successful in this realm.  First, one must identify all of the key stakeholders and consider their motivations as well as the contexts in which they are operating.  This requires empathy, curiosity, and diligence.

Having read this, you may be thinking the above prescription applies to all individuals to operate effectively in business and in life.  And you are right!  Having said that, the level of importance of developing and mastering the above capabilities becomes even greater with the increased level of complexity and ambiguity of operating in a global environment.

(1) The Global Leadership Agility Model was developed by Laura McCracken, drawing from her own international business experience across North America, Latin America, Europe, and Asia, along with a few key resources including: Leadership Agility, by Bill Joiner & Stephen Josephs , Emotional Intelligence, by Daniel Goleman, and The Blackwell Handbook of Global Management, by Allan Bird and Joyce Osland.